An Alternative to Fight, Flight, or Avoidance of Hard Discussions
Whether with family members or work colleagues, the ability to have a productive discussion when there is disagreement is increasingly challenging, especially when the discussion veers into politics. Consider these options.
Fight is usually a lose-lose situation where no one leaves happy -- and rarely does it help people better understand each other. In the worst cases, the conversation gets hot with angry accusations back and forth and can even lead to violence.
Flight is another option, exiting the space and perhaps making up a phony reason why we need to leave. This is a good strategy when physically threatened, but often leads to lingering frustration.
Avoidance is like flight, but staying in the space and keeping your mouth shut. This can be pretty unsatisfying as you listen to someone talk in ways you find unsatisfactory, but, for any number of reasons, you feel uncomfortable to engage. Like flight, this may seem better than conflict, but it can generate frustration and we may even lose an otherwise important connection.
Courageous Conversation is usually a better and more productive way, applying concrete skills to constructively engage. Here are four key implementation steps:
1. Listen. Focus first on the other’s viewpoint and their underlying values and concerns.
2. Acknowledge. Before sharing your ideas, let the other person know that you heard their viewpoint.
3. Pivot. This signals that you are about to offer your viewpoint. For example, “Can I offer my thoughts on this?”
4. Perspective. After going through the earlier steps, this is finally your opportunity to share your ideas! Use I-statements such as “This is how I see it” and “This is why I see it this way.”
To be sure, this requires practice, but using these skills can significantly up your game. You can read my full column titled “Courageous Conversations” in New Hampshire Business Review at https://read.nhbr.com/nh-business-review/2024/10/04/#?article=4260100